Monday, May 18, 2009

I Want You To Know

so, at some point last week i sat and watched two very drive-in worthy flicks all by my damn self. indoors, even. but lo, should ye think me th' sad & lonesome sort, ye can just shove that ol' notion clean and clear outta yer fuckin' braincase cuz usually i can't even get rid of you fucks (a few of you are ok). as usual i digress.

this movie was fucked up. i mean, the tape. the tape of 'blue movies' (an' just you googlificate on over an' have yerself a mess o' fun lookin' for that parr-ticular poster in th' image searcher) that i have is fucked up. really, really fucked up. probably th' most fucked up piece of tape i have let run to its logical (ahem) conclusion in my prized hand-me-down-12-year-old-not-even-then-was-it-state-of-th'-art machine. about 14 minutes of it a third of th' way thru didn't have any picture at all an' the rest was filmed in an oddly rotating snow or sandstorm. but, ah, yes, i stuck withit, dontcha know, i'm just that kinda guy. an' if ya find a better copy somewhere, why i might even fire it up with ya. anyhrrr, buzz (steve levitt!! just you wait!) has many crazy quick-money-makin' (but they never do, do they? ahoy!) schemes, th' most recent bein' a midget/chick/wrestler thing that gets him in somethin' like deep with th' russian mob or something (just. you. wait.) so he recalls a certain ar-tickle in th' biz secssshhh of whatever rag losers read (i would not know) pertaining to th' amount of VHS tapes sold with naked, copulating people all set to play on 'em vs. the amount w/o and comes to th' conclusion that porn is th' way to go when you don't have enuff ducats fer th' phone booth an' i gotta say he's got as much a right as anyone to be maybe right about something there. with th' help of his pal cliff an' a pervy dentist an' like his dad's yacht or something they like montage their way into some actors and stuff and whoa is it zany but hey did i tell you i liked this flick? 'cause i did, it was more than alright, maybe it was the nice sandwich i had on such a lovely afternoon as well but it was really quite grand and i hope it does get its due release on dvd sometime in the near-ish future for everyone's sake, really. 'cause everything turns out alright in th 'end, they hafta edit the 19 minutes of footage that's all they managed to get into a feature-length feature all by their lonesomes and then they hafta steal it from th' big pornmogul guys (there are three dudes that work there ok and they all have guns) but somewhere along th' way everyone gets to fall in love - like, fer real - and th' movie becomes a big hit, theaters in malls everywhere, parents taking their kids and goldfish to see it, evil plots foiled, &c, &c, chases on foot to rival 'point break' and well i really don't hafta tell you do i 'cause yer gonna track it down already i'm sure you've decided so just get on withit.

now 'roller blade,' i b'lieve this got shown last year or th' year before at th' drive-in proper, you'll hafta ask someone else 'cuz i musta been dead at th' time. but hoo-ee is this wurth another spin around the chateau, holy hell, is it ever. basically an excuse fer a skinflick i actually coulda done without th' skin in, th' nonsense these fux came up with in order to show a little mmffff is really quite fucking inspired, the writer musta been a bigshot at some point (maybe summaya see what i did there). see there's these comic strip nuns who have magic healing steak knives and don't they just irk th' hell outta the baddies and the sorta goodies, all o'them roller-skatin' around ('cept, junior, and whaddya know without his skates he just goes an' gets all kid-stolen an' torturficated on o'course) th' wastelands of southern california or wherever they could film for free all afternoon (oh, btw there aren't any rollerblades, dude, it's rollerskates and knife blades, ok, so it's ok) an' gettin' in knife fights just like fern an' volker sing about (both inspired by this here flick dontcha know) an' tryin' to basically just make their honest way about the post-apocalyptic world they've been born into - hey, they didn't have a choice. there's this weird head honcho of th' pro-wrestler (er twisted sister, as if there's one diff) types that's like a puppet-baby-guy who tries to make th' one girl betray th' nuns but don't she just see th' L-I-T-E there o'course and well, i am just gonna stop right there cuz i really do not want to spoil this for ya one bit (and anyway as if i could even pack th' plots an' subplots an' uberplots of this devastator into all of th' internet, man it would just take all the words from all them other sites and i do NOT want th' internetspolice on my ass for that shit, no thank you very much either). talk around th' watercooler is that that jesse doesn't like this one but he likes 'the apple' so you can see what i'm saying there i think. (OH, and by the by in lookin' fer this poster i came across a similar film what goes by th' name of 'roller blade warriors: taken by force,' sounds like mebbe bigger knives but all else is th' same and y'know, fer chrissakes at th' bottom o'th' amazonian page there it sez 'if ya like this...' you'll like 'hell comes to frogtown' and dammit i hope th' reverse iz true 'cause well you all know how i feel about that one anyway. so please if y'gots that one send it on over, bring it down, whatever, i'm bettin' we all wanna see it, i mean check this out:

i mean, right?!?)

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